God makes major announcement: “I am leaving the UMC…”

001NASHVILLE, Tenn. — The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, collectively known as “God,” issued a statement this morning that, in light of the denomination’s ever declining membership and relevance, they are leaving the United Methodist Church. The statement read, in part, “This church just isn’t what it used to be, and quite frankly we’re tired of the way we’ve been treated.”

The news brought a mixed response across the denomination. Liberals were divided. Some welcomed the news, noting “God’s departure is very freeing if you think about it. After all, our times call for a more enlightened deity figure and we’ve already been advocating for that for a long time.” Others denounced the announcement as a hoax, “We’ve known for some time that God is a metaphor, and metaphors don’t release press statements.

Conservatives, for their part, expressed disappointment with God’s decision but vowed to press on. “We will certainly miss God, but will continue the fight to gain control of United Methodist institutions—a fight we’ve often waged without God anyway.” Others expressed a desire to go with God, but confessed an inability to do so given the uncertainty of the consequences. They pledged, nonetheless, to cherish the memory of God’s past involvement with the Methodist Church and pray that God will return to the fold.

 

The Council of Bishops issued a statement to the denomination very late in the day:

“Greetings in the name of Who/Whatever,

Undoubtedly, you have now heard the news of God’s departure. First, we recognize that we are not of one mind and spirit on how to respond. We all note, with great sadness, that feelings have been hurt. On the one hand, God has hurt the feelings of some of you by leaving and we pray for your feelings. On the other hand, some have been hurt by God’s previous staying, and we pray for your feelings too.

Secondly, we encourage you to recognize that God’s departure is not as serious as it could have been. God has never paid apportionments, so the budgets of our General Boards and the salaries of your bishops will be completely unaffected by this development. Praise Who/Whatever!

Finally we ask each of you to pray, asking Who/Whatever for unity. Above all else, our unity is what unites us and the greater our unity, the more united we will be. To young people, we think unity is super cool and we think you think so too, so come join us. Our best days are ahead!

Feel blessed and good,
The Bishops of the United Methodist Church

 

The United Methodist Reporter officially responds here.

UMReporter Staff

This story was posted by a staff member of The United Methodist Reporter. For over 160 years The United Methodist Reporter has been helping the people called Methodist to tell their stories. If you have stories that you think need to be told, please let us know at editor@circuitwritermedia.com

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73 Comments on "God makes major announcement: “I am leaving the UMC…”"

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The United Methodist Reporter wants to encourage lively conversation about The United Methodist Church and our articles in the belief that Christian conversation (what Wesley would call conferencing) is a means of grace. While we support passionate debate, we cannot allow language that demeans or demonizes others, and we reserve the right to delete any comment we believe to be harmful or inappropriate. We encourage all to remember that we are all broken and in need of Christ's grace, and that we all see through the glass darkly until that time we when reach full perfection in love. May your speech here be tempered with love, and reflection of the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. After all, "There is no law against things like this." (Galatians 5:22-23)
 
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Rick McPeak
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Shouldn’t we watch to see where God is going?

Nick
Guest

My dear Methodist friends. Please be assured that God would find this humorous. He has a great sense of humor. He did, after all, create us.

Kay Palmer Marsh
Guest

God has not left us.

Kay Palmer Marsh
Guest

God has not left the UMC.

Jason Sansbury
Guest

I just wanted to thank the writer for sharing this great piece of satire. As a writer, this is excellent work, nailing the language and nuisance that we hear in so many things lately but clearly being a piece of satire. Thank you. We need to laugh at ourselves a bit more and this definitely let me do this.

Latu
Guest

If God left the UMC, where does God go?

Ted Johnson
Guest
God and Jesus decided that egos were one thing that should be left on the cross, and that in that Spirit we should remember to keep our own ego in a healthy balance, that we are never in a superior group, faction, or clique, and neither are we to be relegated to a position of being inferior! God never has left us, but by having such large egos, we leave him. Carry a stranger’s burden, and find yourself at someone else’s level, and there you will find the Spirit of Jesus, representing his father, doing what he has constantly done.… Read more »
Al Richards
Guest

Peace, Children. Love one another as God has loved you. Remain in Christ as Christ has remained in you. Bear fruit.

Tom
Guest
I just happened upon the post and comments above. I have been a part of several church communities and studied their theology. I don’t happen to believe any particular church is “dead”. For the assertion to be true, we who are in fact the church, would be dead. Let’s don’t blame it on an institution, made up of bricks, mortar and hierarchies. WE are the church and therefore WE are responsible for any separation from God. I think you will agree that the UMC is not alone in their misguided leadership. All organized religion has failed to lead with love… Read more »
Joel
Guest

wow… We were going to visit a local UMC church this coming Easter Sunday. We were excited until we read this. I guess we’ll just have to find another church. Hope you get your problems sorted out. Really sad to read this.

George Nixon Shuler
Guest

Friend, the alternative a church that doesn’t have it’s problems all sorted out is a church where they tell you what to think and feel. That doesn’t sound all that appealing to the Christmas-Easter churchgoers, I’ll bet. Every human endeavor is beset on all sides by iniquity and tyranny of evil men.

Dan
Guest

KUDOS!
I was ready for this to be a typically lame “churchy” parody, but this is some satire with serious chops. It skewers both sides and doesn’t shy away from the difficult topics. Sure, it falls back a little on overly broad generalizations, but most of this kind of humor does – and it does that fairly well.
Maybe there’s hope for us all yet.

Skip George
Guest

This announcement is awfully late, isn’t it?
I thought I heard rumblings about this 35 years or so ago.
When The GC decided better to pander to The Big Apportionment doers in The Southwest Jurisdiction than to take the risk of inclusivity.
Isn’t that when Elohim gave up the ghost?

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